I watched a film called ‘Grimm Love’ last night. Or, most of it. It’s based on the true story of Armin Miewes, a German cannibal who posted an ad on the internet looking for a ‘well built 18-30 year old to be slaughtered and then consumed’, to which Bernd Brandes responded and volunteered, for some odd, gay related reason.
I watched it because the story was interesting and I remember it happening. I remember the fact that Miewes cut off Brandes’ penis whilst he was still alive and they both ate some. Despite knowing and expecting this, I couldn’t get through the penis-meal scene. I felt a bit nauseous, despite knowing it would happen. But then I realised, I’d always imagined the penis-meal to be more civilised instead of the dark, gorey scene in the film. So I drew a picture of how I’d imagined it :)
I watched the film Next the other day. I dont really like Nicholas Cage (although I’ve been criticised for this, as I havent seen Con Air or Face/Off), and I hate confusing films involving time travel (like Deja Vu, where Denzel Washington can see four days into the past, because apparently time moves in a horseshoe shap motion- whatever the fuck that means), so this film wasn’t a great combination really.
Anyway, I thought it was appalling. It was full of plot holes, Nicholas Cage’s single facial expression and had a god awful ending. I was thinking afterwards how the film might’ve come about, despite clearly being created by a retard, and this is what I came up with.
The two characters here are the Next creator (NC…initials of Nicholas Cage- coincidence? Probably.) and an important movie man who decides whether this film should be made or not (IMM).
IMM: So, what have you got for me? NC: Right, I am so proud of this idea, it’s original, it’s modern, it’s cool. Basically, Nicholas Cage- IMM GROANS NC: Hear me out, hear me out. Nicholas Cage is a man who can see into the future! But, the catch is, he can only see two minutes into his own future. So he can only see the future if it directly affects him in the following two minutes. IMM: Ok, not bad. How does he use this foresight power? NC: Well, he can see where bullets are going to go when a gun is fired, so he can dodge them, or he can use it to hide from enemies, or he can use it to pick up chicks like Jessica Biel by seeing the perfect pick up line. IMM: Right. How does he control the power then? NC: Well he just kind of concentrates. IMM: How does he have time to concentrate when a gun’s been fired at him? NC: Well he sees the two minutes in a split second, so- IMM: No, what I mean is, how does he have reflexes so fast that he can start concentrating when a gun’s been fired? NC: Erm…well, ok, it’s not always just by concentrating…he gets flashes if he’s in danger…like an instinct, or like a spider-sense. IMM: And then if it kicks in by itself, how does he know it’s a foresight and not real life? NC: (gulp) Well, he’s learnt….it’s kind of….there’s special effects and stuff. IMM: I see. NC: Yeah. IMM: (sighs) So how does the plot develop? NC: Ah! Well, Julianne Moore plays- IMM: A cold, bitchy cop? NC: Yeah! Yeah… IMM SIGHS NC: Uh, yeah, so she works out Nicholas Cage’s power, whilst at the same time recieving intel about an imminent terrorist attack. So, she enlists the help of Nicholas Cage to hunt down the terrorists and stop a nuclear bomb destroying LA! IMM: Right. But how is he any help when he can only see two minutes of his own future? Surely he would only be able to react if he was directly involved with the terrorists, and if he is then why is he needed anyway rather than anyone else? NC: Erm… IMM: Or unless he sees two minutes into the future, where the bomb goes off, and then surely by that point it’s too late. NC: Well…he…sometimes he can see further into the future. IMM: Why? NC: He…doesn’t know. But thats how it ends- the bomb actually goes off, but it turns out the whole thing has just been a very long vision and he wakes up in his bed at the start of the movie! IMM PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. THERE IS A PAINFUL SILENCE. NC: …So that’s Next! (laughs feebly) Yeah…do you like it? IMM SHAKES HIS HEAD NC: …There’s a scene where Nicholas Cage gets punched… IMM STOPS SHAKING HIS HEAD AND QUICKLY LOOKS UP IMM: In the face? NC: Well, I guess, if you want… IMM: (signing contract) What was your movie called again?
I’ve watched a hell of a lot of movies in the past 5 days. Here’s a few (very short) reviews.
300. A combination of violence, comic book stylings, cool one liners and slow motion. Seriously, I think if he slow motion was at normal speed the film would be half the length. Anyway, freaking awesome. 5/5
Zodiac. In the trailers it looks like a horror thriller kind of thing, but in reality it’s more of a thinking film. Not good when I watched it on a huge screen expecting action. Plus Jake Gyllenhall sucks as always. Worth a watch though, if you have a spare 3 hours. 6/10
Shooter. Good plot line and some cool action scenes. It makes shooting people in the snow look fun. Mark Wahlberg’s pretty convincing and the female lead is hot. Good combination. 22/27
Hitcher. Not bad at all. Quite short which makes it seem more action packed. Sean Bean is awesome as the evil man. Also, unneccessary use of Nine Inch Nails tracks always goes down well in my books. 50/62
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Meh. Silver surfer wasn’t too great as a bad guy, cos he wasn’t all that bad. Too kiddy in places. Special effects aren’t anything amazing. It’s just as good as the first one, which wasn’t vey good at all. Jessica Alba wins it points though. 68/112
Magicians. If you like Peep Show, dont expect the same kinda thing. Some bits are genuinely very very funny (‘and then the third time around, almost no jizz at all!’) and the plot is clever. Not as good as peep show, but still very good. 230/265
Wednesday 26/9. I did the midnight opening for Halo 3. This was good fun. I’ve done a midnight opening before (PS3 and 360 launches), but theyre a rare occurrence. A surprising amount of people showed up to get their hands on the most anticipated game ever; maybe about 80 in total, with probably about 20 of those picking up the £70 ‘Legendary’ edition, which comes in a helmet which doesn’t fit on your head.
All this hype sounds sad, but the game is well worth the wait. Single player mode matches the awesomeness of Halo 1, and multiplayer matches and beats that of Halo 2, what with Xbox Live being utterly amazing these days. I played it a hell of a lot and completed it on normal mode, which is increasingly rare for me and video games these days. The last few games I completed were The Darkness (which I bloody loved) and before that it was probably Gears of War which was nearly a whole year ago now.
Anyway, to sum up, Halo 3 is wicked.
Thursday 27/9I said ‘adios’ to Anna. Anna is my ex, but I try not to refer to her as that anymore. She’s one of my best friends now. If I ever refer to her as my ex, that’s basically me saying ‘I HAD A GIRLFRIEND ONCE GO ME’. But anyway, she departed for uni at the end of last week, so seeing her for coffee today was the last time for a while. I shall miss her muchly.
Friday 28/9 I recieved a prize. It’s not often I win anything. I seem to have the luck of thirteen black cats each walking under ladders on friday the thirteenth. Thats an exaggeration, but I dont win anything often. I recieved a letter from my school a few weeks ago telling me I had won ‘The Headmaster’s Prize for Creative Writing’. My thoughts went from the initial ‘wow’ to just assuming they’d given everyone in my year a prize to make them return for speech day, but quickly found out this wasnt the case. I still don’t know how I won it. I think it is because of a poem I wrote in year 10 about a cake, which apparently was a ‘teriffic, sinister and complicated metaphor. A*’. Apparently.
Anyway, today was speech day and so I turned up at school and had a nice reminiscing session with several schoolmates and some teachers too. I managed to confusedly stand up for my prize at the wrong moment and was promptly told to sit down again. That was nice and embarrassing. When it was actually my turn, I walked on stage, recieved my prize and shook hands with the lord lieutenant (sp?), before quickly trotting off again and sitting down. My prize was an envelope containing my certificate (which is a sticker for some reason. I might just wear it occasionally) and £25 worth of Waterstones book vouchers.
Saturday 29/9 I accidentally gave away a free copy of Halo 3 at work. I was working from 10am with Matt, who is just a big twat really. He constantly corrects the way I work and makes a fool of me in front of customers. I didnt know we don’t sell retro games buy one get one free anymore and he made a big deal of it. I didnt know we have to scan a certain barcode to trade in certain games, and he made a big deal of it. I got so stressed about it to the point where someone was buying Halo 3, their card was declined and I didn’t notice. So they got it freeee. When Matt found out, BOY did he make a big deal of it. I’m not annoyed with myself for the mistake, everyone makes mistakes. Im just annoyed with Matt for being a bastard about it. He’s only a part timer! Why does he care?! When the assistant manager came in, I apologised profusely and he simply said ‘S’alright. I’ll just have to shoot you some time’. HA take that Matt, you smug cock.
Sunday 30/9-Wednesday 3/10 I went to Manchester! I went up there to hang out with Grace, one of my best friends who is now at Uni there. It didn’t start too great when I found out I’d left buying the train tickets a bit late and so it cost me £40. However, after a three hour journey sat next to a gorgeous red head, I arrived in Manchester and things started to get better.
I met Grace’s flatmates: Chris, the welsh (I nearly said french for some reason) muscly masterchef; Helen, the leggy, brainy blonde; Steve, the Kenyan mentalist/legend; Vicky, the funny brunette with ‘extraordinary eyes’; Ahmed, the quiet muslim; Maddy, the witty derbyshire lass who says ‘chunk’ funnily; and Will, music enthusiast, fellow Reading goer and general nice bloke. I felt like I was in Big Brother.
The flat wasn’t too bad seeing as Grace had basically described it as a shithole where I would probably get stabbed. Kitchen, 2 bathrooms and 8 bedrooms. Nice and cosy I’d say, but Grace and her flatmates didn’t seem to agree.
Sunday night and we went out (as students do). First choice bar was a no-go as we required student ID, and I dont have any as I’m technically not a student. So we went to a vodka bar and drank vodka in many forms, including sundae, which was interesting.
Monday and Grace had early lectures and so had to kick me in the morning as she got ready. She left at 9 30ish and I jumped into her bed which was the comfiest bed evar. This, plus tiredness from the day before, caused me to sleep till 12 when Grace returned. I got out of bed and walked downstairs to be called a ‘lazy sod’ by Helen. Cant argue really. Grace and I went into the city centre and wandered about the Arndale centre, eating pancakes and checking out new ipods along the way. Grace then went off to another lecture so I head back to the flat and chilled for a bit. When she returned again, there was a pasta bake ready, as made by Chris. Very nice indeed. That night, we went out into the city centre for clubbing. Our top choice was a club called Tigertiger, but we queued for an hour and didnt get in. Probably because Brian from Big Brother was in there (thats two too many mentions of Big Brother). We walked for a bit, passing the club ‘Opus’ which had a medical themed night where well endowed nurses inject you with vodka. Eventually we ended up at a club called Pulse and danced for a while next to a smoke machine, before retreating home and crashing out.
Tuesday and yet again, more early lectures for Grace, so yet again a late lie in for me. When she got back we went to the campus launderette to wash and dry a few of her things, followed by a trip to sainsburies. Sounds boring, but it was a nice insight into Uni life. I bought some ingredients for a giant Jaffa Cake, which I intended to make that night. I made the jaffa cake and we watched some TV before a lovely roast for dinner. Quiet evening was spent watching the mighty boosh and chatting.
Wednesday and I left the flat and caught my train home, ready for work at 5pm. Great few days :).
Thursday 4/10 I ate a wispa. Blast from the past!! Except not really. Whilst wispas seemed to disappear some 7 or 8 years ago, they actually never left. Theyve actually been living among us under the pseudonym ‘Cadbury’s Bubble’ or something. But the revival of the wispa brand was a cunning move on Cadbury’s part. I worked this evening, and had no fewer then ten people (including myself) say ‘WISPA!! I remember those!!’ and then buy one. One guy bought 4!! Everyone clearly loves nostalgia, even though it’s just a marketing ploy.
So there we go. Sorry about the EPIC amount of text. Although I dont know why I’m apologising as I doubt anyone made it thus far. Night Night xxxxxx