Tim:She said I have Caniphobia. I was seven years old and I thought 'great, now I'm frightened of bamboo aswell'.
Daisy:How many times did you go?
Tim:Three or four. Started to work. I remember she said to me 'You've got about as much chance of being struck by lightning as you have of being bitten by a dog.'
Daisy:So, what's the problem?
Tim:Well, I was leaving the practice one day feeling well adjusted and happy when this fucking great alsation just came hareing down the road towards me, jaws slung with bloody slather, eyes lit by the fires of Hades own eternal damned kingdom. It leapt into the air. I remember thinking 'This is it. I'm seven years old and this is the end.' Fortunately, Lady Luck was smiling at me that day.
Tim:I got struck by lightning.
Tim:It hurt, but it scared the shit out of the dog, so...
I was on my lunch break yesterday and drove to Mcdonalds with Harry. The drive-thru was a bit packed because it was Saturday lunchtime and so the McDonalds people were rushing about between the cars taking orders and throwing bags with straws and napkins in at bewildered drivers.
The order boy ran up to my car and hurredly shouted ‘CANITAKEYOURORDER’ to which I felt rushed and blurted out the first thing I thought of, which is also the most boring and unfilling- a cheeseburger. Harry however, took his time and ordered lots of things while the order boy kind of danced around in the rain as if he needed the toilet.
After we’d passed all of the window things, we were still stuck in a queue because of a big blue van that had stopped and wasn’t moving. ‘What’s this joker doing?’ I said to Harry, which prompted him to lean across and toot the horn. I chuckled a bit, but the grin was wiped off my face when a big skinhead bloke got out of the van. He looked at me and my first reaction was to point at Harry with a look on my face that said ‘I told him not to do it!’. I genuinely thought this guy was going to have a go or maybe punch my lights out, he looked like the sort. But he just said ‘I was told to park here’ and got back in. I sighed a sigh of sighingness and reversed a little so I could pull out. That Harry gets me in all sorts of trouble some times!
On the back of 'Newman's own balsamic vinaigrette'
Note: ‘Newman’ is Paul Newman, the Hollywood actor. I don’t know why he has his own brand of vinaigrette.
'LEGEND: In 1602, in Modena, two brothers of the Vinegar clan, Balsa and Mick, due to a piddling insult, duelled to their deaths. Their grieving mother, Violetta Vinegar, who was pressing a new grape from their vineyard, named it in their memory- Balsa-Mick Vinegar. Thanks to Newman's Own, their names live on!
I was expecting £400, but only £360 came through because i am not a student at the moment so the taxman is on me like the hug a mug arm creature thing. God I hate that thing. Also, saving for this round the world trip means that £250 instantly left my account and was saved. I also stashed a bit away to pay my phone bill and car insurance at the end of the month. All in all, I was left with £50 to spend over the next two weeks. Which is nice.
I had work at 12, so decided to go to Asda to buy some food to keep me going during my epic 8 hour shift. I decided to get out £10 and have that as my food money for the week. As I was at the cashpoint, I looked at my watch and realised I was horribly behind on time and that I should be setting off for work very shortly, so I made haste and rushed into Asda. I picked up my usual, a pasta salad and a fruit salad also and went to the till.
I looked in my wallet and there is none moneys in there.
I only fucking left my tenner in the cashpoint in my hastiness.
I pay on card and rush out to the cashpoint where business is going ahead as usual. Someone clearly found my tenner and took it thinking ‘if theyre stupid enough to leave it in there theyre probably stupid enough to think they spent it’. Bastards.
Myself, Tim and Leo once found a tenner on the Stratford High Street. We gave it to the police!! Our good citizenship went around and nobody claimed it, so we were given it back! Not everyone is as nice as us though.
I left for work completely bitter about the whole thing and realised that I must never tell anyone of this, as it is an utterly retarded thing to have done and I don’t want everyone thinking I’m an utter retard.
I get to work and people instantly notice that I’m not in the smily, happy mood that I normally am. When asked by Dave, the manager, what was up, I said ‘I dropped a tenner outside Asda’ to which he replied ‘Aah that’s not so bad. Once, I drew £30 out of a cashpoint and left it there! Ahh well.’ This cheered me up a bit.