A couple of weeks ago at uni, I had a weird cough and Amy pointed out that it had persisted for some time. My friend Kevin also had a cough and he said it was a bit of a throat and/or chest infection that was going around, so I just assumed that if what I had wasn’t just a cough, then it was probably a minor infection.
Then, when I went to Nottingham, I began getting a bit sneezey and snotty whilst the cough receded a bit. I probably joked that it was swine flu but never really thought anything of it.
At the end of the week, as I was preparing to leave uni, I was full of flu. I bought some half price blackcurrant flavour Lemsip to keep me going whilst I packed. Packing was hard work and I had a really high temperature, so I sweat approximately seventeen gallons that day (lie). That same day, however, I recieved an email from uni saying that there had been a confirmed case of swine flu on campus.
I wasn’t really worried, more excited. It was a bit weird. I kind of hoped I would have swine flu. I dunno why, it was either looking forward to a genuine reason for doing fuck all all the time, or I was looking forward to getting attention, which I always enjoy when I’m ill. For this, it wouldn’t have just been the kind of ‘can I get you anything?’ attention which normally comes with illness, but also attention since I was like a specimin of this pandemic that’s going around.
I wasn’t scared. Out of the 40,000 or so cases worldwide at the time, there’d only been like 200 deaths and most of those were as a result of underlying medical conditions. So I was fiiiine.
When I got home, I joked with my Dad and brothers about having swine flu but we did also chat seriously for a bit just in case I did have it. I said that I would only get any medical help if symptoms got worse. The next day, they did. My throat KILLED and I felt pretty nautious all day, but still I soldiered on and said it could be worse. I even went in for my first shift back at Blockbusters. I could have skipped with the reason of ‘suspected swine flu’ and that would have been fine, but the thing is no-one really comes into Blockies anymore, so it was pretty contained if I did have it.
At work, I felt pretty wary sneezing so much since people are SO paranoid about swine flu. I felt like I was harbouring some deadly secret that would scare everyone away if I sneezed.
I had a few sleepless nights where I felt very sick and couldn’t breathe when lying down because of lovely build ups in my throat and sinuses. It began looking bad. I gave my symptoms one more strike; if they got any worse, I’d get some medical help.
The real ending of this story is quite boring, so I have written an alternative to make it more interesting.
Real, boring ending:
The next day I was cleared up! Yay! It was just regular man flu. I sniffled a bit for the next few days but now I’m pretty much back to normal. No swine flu. Yet. West midlands has about half the total UK cases, so I give it a few weeks.
Alternative, exciting ending:
The next day, I woke up in a pool of my own blood which I had sweated out during the night. Blood? Blood. My blood. Blood. And bits of sick.
I got out of my bed to discover that my legs had completely rotted away and all that were left of the lower half of my body were my bones. I could still walk fine though because my feet were still intact.
I walked out into the street and my skin sizzled in the sunlight, like a piece of bacon which had just been put into a frying pan, but with acid instead of oil. And the bacon had swine flu. And was undercooked and fatty and we’d run out of ketchup and the bread was a bit stale.
A woman saw me. She screamed at the hideousness of my face and boney legs. I had a sudden desire to eat her brains. So I did.
I then craved more brains. I ran through the streets eating the brains of anyone I saw and then they’d join me in my brains hunt.
By the time it got to sunset, the army had been called out to neutralise the zombie swine flu outbreak and I was blown up by a tank.