This is generally my process for eating Easter eggs:
Hold the egg and crack into it using your thumbs— the way the zombie does to the guy’s eyes in 28 Days Later.
Crack off bits around the hole, or something else which sounds less like an innuendo. Eat these bits. Eventually you will be left with either an egg cross section or multiple curved slabs of choc. Either way they will contain choc crumbs from initial egg break in.
No matter how you consume these final pieces (I pour the choc crumbs into my mouth), you WILL be left with choc crumbs down whatever shirt or top you are wearing. You will also not notice them for minutes—or if you do notice, you will miss some.
Initially you will try to pick the crumbs off your top, but because they’ve been there a few minutes, theyve already slightly melted. A chocolate residue is left behind.
The chocolate residue is inevitably rubbed into your top, leaving a light brown mark. You will lick your fingers and scratch at it, but to no avail.
Mm hot cross buns. Slice a couple of them in half, pop them under the grill, and leave them for a minute.
Give them a quick check: nope not quite ready yet!
Might make some coffee while they—
WHERE’S THAT SMOKE COMING FROM!
HOW! How’d they burn so fast?! Gah! Hot!
Nooo now they’re too crispy to spread butter with any efficiency! And I’m getting black bits in the butter! And now they’re not even hot any more and the butter won’t melt.
I’ve been watching ‘Being Human’ recently. It’s pretty good. If you don’t know it, it’s about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost who live together and struggle to fit in. After running out of episodes last night, I watched Blade. Not intentionally as a back-to-back vampire thing, but it was just the other disc I had out on Lovefilm.
Blade was good, but I realised something. I’m so fucking bored of vampires.
Everyone’s seen something vampire related recently. It all started with Twilight, and then, when it looked like it was going to die down, it kept going! Loads of people hate Twilight, but I really wasn’t that bothered. I’ve seen the first film and it wasn’t terrible. I’m in the minority camp who are entirely indifferent to Twilight.
But now, I’m so sick of it all. Not because it’s cheesy, but because it’s so samey! Ooh the good vampire is caring towards a human/humans but there are bad vampires and oh no the good vampire might have to drink blood and the human’s all caught up in the middle bla bla bla. They all fit this bill, even if it’s just loosely, and it’s boring now.
Whilst I was thinking about vampires, I remembered how I was shit scared of them when I was a wee bubba. I vividly remember demanding for my mum to give me garlic which I kept under my pillow while I slept. Good times.
Saw a guy get mugged earlier in Canterbury. It was pretty crazy.
We’d just stepped out of the street with the Brewery Tavern on it when I saw two guys wrestling each other to the ground. One of them got up and ran straight past us followed by a very speedy community support officer. He got away and everyone looked very confused.
It was about 3 in the afternoon, and the street was packed with tourists. Busy, even by Canterbury standards. They’d been stood next to a cash-point, so I guess he’d grabbed the other guy’s cash as he withdrew it. Amazing that nobody out of the hundreds of people managed to stop him.
I say that, but he did run straight past me. If there was a league table of people who could have stopped him, I’d probably be right near the top. I thought they’d been fighting, which is why I didn’t get involved; but had I realised what was going on, a stuck out leg could have floored the guy. I could have clotheslined him! That would have been so badass! It’s times like these that make me want to learn some kind of martial arts.
Too late now, but maybe next time. I’m going to start clotheslining anyone I see running on the off-chance that I could become a hero.
Since I recently finished my last batch of coursework for my degree and have four weeks off for easter, I’ve had yet another ‘hey I’m going to do lots more blogging! A blog every day!’ brainwave. Why have I not learnt by now that it never works??
I couldn’t do a blog every day because I am doing nothing with my days. I’ve decided to stay in Canterbury for the break to get some revision done and just generally enjoy some time almost entirely to myself.
Last saturday, the first day I was in the flat alone, I was so bored.
Now, my days follow a similar routine: Wake up around midday, shower, either exercise or think about exercising, make lunch, clean something, watch Deal or No Deal…
And then I don’t know where my evenings go! I guess I’ve been watching a few films (Oldboy and Million Dollar Baby are awesome). I’ve also been meaning to throw some video games in on the mix.
So, I will try to write a lot more, but forgive me if my blogs are as dull as ‘saw a funny dog today’.
Although, I did see a funny dog today. It sneezed and I went ‘hurrr it thinks it’s people.’
I was walking to campus earlier. My quickest route involves cutting through a small wooded area containing a playground. As I walked past the playground this time, two young girls emerged from it. They must’ve been about ten.
One girl said hello, and I said hello back. That’s just common politeness. Then she asked if I had a side-parting under my hat. I made an ‘urrr-’ sound and carried on walking. She asked if I would take off my hat.
'Don't do it!' the other girl said. 'She's a pervert!'
I kept walking, frowning at them.
'Don't listen to her!' the first girl said. 'She fucked her boyfriend sideways!'
I’d walked past them at this point. At first I was shocked at the language of such a young girl, but then realised that it was standard for the area of Canterbury where I live for children to be obnoxious, foul mouthed oiks. But then I started thinking about the fact that what she’d said made no sense at all.
I carried on walking. They were muttering to themselves behind me.
'I love you!' girl two shouted after me as I got to about five metres away.
More walking. No responses. Then girl one piped up:
'Do you love her back?'
Ha! I knew this trick. If anyone responded to this with yes, even out of politeness or sarcasm, the response would be ‘PAEDO!’ I thought that even if I stayed silent, I could get this response, so I shouted back a resounding ‘NO!’
A moment of silence passed.
What! There was no way of winning there. Even if I hadn’t responded to them in the first place, I would still have been called a paedo.
"You’re not a paedo. You’re definitely not a paedo."
Stupid children. I decided that if I saw them again, I’d have some awesome comebacks lined up to set them straight.
I did see them again on the way home, just around the corner from my flat.