I have an induction session booked at the gym tomorrow. Yes, me in a gym, har har very funny I know. I like doing exercise, it makes my brain work more, but I get very little at the moment, so gym it is! With this in mind, I needed to buy some gymwear so I look my best when I’m pumping these guns.
I left it very late in the day to go to town. People who follow this blog, or my twitter, or just me generally, will know that I have a crippling, intangible addiction to Deal or No Deal. I decided that I could just about make it into town and back for 4 o’clock, in time to settle down with a cup of tea, so off I went.
I popped into JJB Sports in the Priors. I hadn’t been in there in years and it felt like it hadn’t changed one bit; like it was frozen in the early naughties. I picked out some shorts and a t-shirt that wouldn’t provoke derision. I then picked out the first pair of trainers that the zombie staff member pointed to. He also directed me to the ankle socks next to the counter.
As I looked at the socks for a moment, a particularly obnoxious woman was shouting at the till. She looked about seventy and wore a bright pink coat that made her look like a big marshmallow. A staff member had grabbed a backpack off a high shelf for her and was putting it through the till. She shouted something like, ‘I NEED MY CUP OF TEA!’
I waited in the queue and heard her shout again, this time it was: ‘I haven’t got ALL DAAAAAY!’ She absolutely belted this last bit, but the staff just looked amused rather than shocked. She then kicked up a fuss about the large carrier bag being too big, and the small carrier bag being too small. The staff explained that there was no medium size and she stormed out.
I walked to the same till and said ‘Aw, she seemed nice!’ The girl at the till chuckled and said that she was in every day. Some days she would be nice and jokey, some days she would explode like that. Most days she buys a backpack, then cuts off the straps and donates it to a charity shop.
What a nutter, I thought.
'Yeah, and she goes on about how she needs to get home at 4 o’clock for some reason, and needs her tea,’ the till girl said.
I suddenly understood her craziness. Godspeed, old lady. I too am inexplicably drawn into Noel Edmonds’ arms every afternoon.
It was a STUFFED TIGER. As in like, a toy. It wasn’t a taxidermy delivery. I’m not sure taxidermists even deliver. Anywho, it looks like this:
Grr. Cute eh? And why did someone send me a cuddly tiger? Because I’m too nice.
No, really. Too nice.
I was approached by a WWF charity mugger type a month ago and, since I’m too polite to just ignore people, I chatted to her. She asked if I had heard of the WWF; I said ‘Yeah, it’s the wrestlers, right?’ and she was very kind to laugh. She told me that I can donate a couple of pounds via text to get some trees planted for some tigers. I thought it was a fair deal, so I sent the text.
A few days later, I started getting calls from the WWF. This had happened to me before; I sent a text for another charity once and they called me asking to set up a direct debit. I told the WWF it wasn’t a good time and saved their number. That same number popped up every night for a month, and I ignored it every time.
Then, my phone had a mental breakdown and I had to delete my contacts. The next day, a call came through from an unrecognised number. Since I was expecting calls from jobs and other things, I answered. Of course, it was the WWF.
The girl on the phone was very friendly indeed. She said that she too had just completed a degree in English Lit and Creative Writing, so we talked about that for ages. Then, somehow, we got talking about middle names, and she guessed that mine was ‘Sauron’. Made me chuckle.
But eventually she had to get down to business and asked if I wanted to sponsor a tiger. £4 a month she told me and I fumbled out some excuse about not having a solid income. But I felt like I was letting down a new friend! Eventually I agreed to a £3 a month tiger. I dunno the difference, maybe this one is a bit mangey.
So I sponsored a tiger because people are nice to me and I’m programmed to be nice back. Of course, I’m probably not the only person like this and the girl on the phone knows that. She became my friend to get me to sponsor a tiger! I feel a little betrayed.
I’ll probably cancel the direct debit after a couple of months. I’m happy to give money to charity every now and then, but I feel like I’ve been pressured into it.
Basically what’s happened here is I’ve bought a tiger teddy in a very complicated manner. I need to learn how to say no to nice people!
I went to the cinema yesterday to see All-Star-Cold-War-Spy-Thriller flick, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. It’s a bit complicated. Like, I might need to see it a few more times, accompanied by some kind of Sparknotes, a basic knowledge of the cold war and somebody who can explain what’s happening, type complicated. I was going to pretend to Grace that I understood every second and it was brilliant, but luckily the first thing she said after it finished was ‘I have no idea what just happened.’
With the plot being too complex for me to write about, I shall write a review based on things that people can relate to!
Things I liked about TTSS (That’s short for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy):
1. There were no actual tinkers involved. I don’t know what a tinker is. Some people told me it’s someone who fixes metal household utensils, whereas others told me it was a word for an Irish gypsy. This confusion would have only added to the complex nature of the film if an actual tinker was involved. Also not involved: tailors, soldiers, or pirates. There are spies though (SPOILERS).
2. The film started late. We were late getting to the cinema, despite Grace living literally one minute away. If we’d missed the very beginning, we may have had even less idea of what was happening.
3. We bought some crunchy M+Ms. They were really good. I haven’t had those in a long time.
4. The acting. Fantastic performances all round. I like Gary Oldman’s face- he’s just so calming. It’s too calming, in fact. Thinking about his face is sending me into a doze. Might have to watch Leon to make him less calming.
Things I didn’t like about TTSS (short for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy):
1. The couple in front kept talking. I kicked the guy’s chair a few times so that they shut up. I felt like such a vigilante, taking the law into my own hands.
2. There was a kid called Bill in it. I’m not entirely sure what the point of him was, but he constantly had a look on his face as if he’d pooped himself and wanted to get away quickly before anyone noticed. This annoyed me.
3. My inability to remember names. The only names I could remember throughout were George Smiley, because he made me smile, and Ricky T(omH)arr(dy). Benedict Cucumberpatch’s character is called Peter Guillam, but every time I tried to remember this I got it wrong. In my head, I kept referring to him as Guimmal, Guillall, Quibble, etc. Also, I spent fucking ages trying to remember John Hurt’s character’s name. Turns out it was just ‘Control’!
In conclusion, weighing up all these important factors, I have decided to award Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy a ? out of 10. This is because I still can’t work out if I liked it or not. Don’t let my inability to understand the plot put you off; you may well be cleverer than I am. I mean, I didn’t get X-Men 2 on the first watch! I think I would have enjoyed it lots if I understood it all.
Once again, this bitch needs to be kick-started. Is that a phrase?
My blog is my favourite thing to write, and ideas only pop into my head when interesting (and generally embarrassing) things happen to me. My excuse for not writing as much recently is that bugger all has been going on in my post-university life.
However, recently, I was thinking about the poet Emily Dickinson. Dickinson lived in the mid-18th century in Massachusetts. She was also a recluse for the best part of her life. Despite this, she managed to write some 1800 poems. Admittedly, I’m not a fan; they’re mostly quite strange or morbid. But the point is, a recluse from the 18th century wrote 1800 poems and became successful posthumously.
I am not a recluse. I get out and about as much as I can. And when I can’t be bothered to go out, I have awesome shit to keep me occupied. Imagine how many poems Emily Dickinson could have written if she’d had the internet, Xbox Live or a boxset of Arrested Development at her disposal!
So really, in comparison, I have loads of things going on. I should stop overthinking it and just do some goddamn writing. Expect blogs here and there about anything and everything.
Thank you for taking the time to contact Starbucks Coffee Company with your suggestion for a new Christmas dinner inspired drink, it sounds delicious and is a very creative way to enjoy a British favorite on the go.
Our range is regularly reviewed to ensure it offers a varied selection of quality beverages and we value customer feedback about our menu. As part of this process we also regularly look at our international stores to see what alternative drinks may prove popular in the UK. I will therefore share your comments with our beverage development team for their interest.
We appreciate you getting in touch and look forward to welcoming you back soon to your local Starbucks.
This sounds like they took me seriously?? I was hoping for an equally tongue in cheek response! Now I just look weird!
Now that we’re half way through September, people are begrudgingly becoming aware of the fact that Christmas is lurking around the corner. The cold weather, financial strain and prospect of spending time with one’s family can drain people and make them feel deflated. One redeeming factor of the holiday season, to use a horrible Americanism, is the arrival of your range of Christmas drinks. With that in mind, I thought I’d email you my idea for the most Christmassy Christmas drink in the history of Christmas, guaranteed to get the customers pouring into your coffee shops this November/December.
I was thinking, what do people love about Christmas? If this was a category on Family Fortunes, one of the top answers is sure to be Christmas dinner. With that in mind, I think a Christmas dinner themed drink would be a huge success.
Basically, it would be a standard coffee drink, but with added gravy granules. Of course, gravy alone does not make a Christmas dinner, so it doesn’t stop there! A cranberry syrup should be added, either in the drink itself, or on top, if the customer wants whipped cream. However, I’m not done. The pièce de résistance is the most vital part of a Christmas meal- bits of turkey and stuffing. Imagine the delight on the customers face when a little chunk of turkey or stuffing pops into their mouth while they enjoy their coffee. Mmm!
I’ll leave the branding and naming of this drink down to you guys. Consider this an early Christmas gift from me to you, although if you fancy paying me lots of money for my idea, that would also be cool.
I look forward to your reply. Many thanks, Alex Cruden.