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Boobs

When I wake up, and my brain isn’t working properly yet, I make myself some coffee and toast and put the TV on. It doesn’t matter what’s on, I just need some moving pictures and noises to wake me up. More often than not, though, I watch This Morning.

As I ate my toast, Phil and Holly Willoughby (aka Willy Holloby) were talking to a large group of women about the importance of self-examination, as it’s Breast Cancer Awareness week, I think. One woman spoke about how she’d lost her mother to the disease; another chatted about how she learnt to examine herself by watching the program last year and then found a lump; a male doctor stood awkwardly in the middle of it all. He may be an expert and have to be all professional, but being around lots of women talking about boobs is one of those moments where a man doesn’t know what to do with himself.

I was also browsing Twitter as all this went on, and turned down the volume so that I could watch a video of Louis C.K. that had popped up on my phone. Thirty seconds into the video, I heard my brother walking around upstairs and automatically looked up.

On the screen at that moment were a big pair of boobs.

Naked boobs! Before midday!

And they were being examined! Except, I only knew that they were being examined because I’d been watching the segment! To the untrained eye, those boobs were being erotically massaged!

I scrambled for the remote and changed channel as I heard more movement in the house.

If someone had walked past the living-room at midnight and seen me watching boobs, they would just assume I was being a pervert, or had accidentally flicked onto one of those dirty naked programs you get these days.

But at half-past eleven in the morning? I didn’t know it was legal to show naked boobs on TV at that time! I mean, there’s an important reason behind it, so I guess exceptions are made; but if I didn’t know it was legal, my family members might not either! Therefore, if they had walked past and seen the boobs, they would have assumed that I wasn’t watching TV at all, but had popped on some kind of nudey DVD to watch over lunch!

It’s a bloody good thing I noticed in time, otherwise there would have been a whirlwind of embarrassment.